Parenting with HEART

At Nichols Middle School, we talk a lot about heart; it is part of our advisory and wellness curricula, we weave it into our classes and meetings, and I talk about it all the time with parents, kids, and faculty. This month, we started our Advisory HEART Challenge where each advisory takes a week to do something that shows heart, something that makes our school or the greater Buffalo community better.

Nichols School's mission states, We train minds, bodies and hearts for the work of life; teaching children about heart is some of the most important work we can do. With advisories, house competitions, and many more opportunities for building relationships with their fellow students, the private school setting provides myriad opportunities to build heart.

We all know adolescence is an exciting and challenging time for children. In our private school setting, we work hard to create a safe and nurturing environment for students so they can better understand what it means to have heart, especially when facing adversity or interacting with their peers. What might that look like for you at home? As parents of growing children, how can you show heart in the work you do with your child, especially when it comes to how they interact with others?

Based on some recent conversations with parents and students, and my 20 years of working with adolescents, I've compiled a list of what I think is important.

I have found that, when you put three or more middle school students together in a space without supervision, they tend to make worse decisions. This is why we supervise our locker rooms and hallways, and why we eat with our students every day at lunch. It's not because we don't trust them. It's because we know that, in the presence of an adult, they tend to make better, kinder decisions. A nurturing environment gives students the opportunity to discover themselves with continued guidance, and their independence within the school setting grows each year.

Outside of the supervised setting, special attention needs to be paid to online interactions. When students are allowed to interact online, whether through group chats or social media sites like TikTok or Snapchat, they are bound to say and do things they wouldn't normally do when in front of their parents or teachers.

Please monitor your child's use of social media. Make time to talk with your children and with the parents of other students on these sites. Parenting with heart includes having conversations and maintaining dialogue with your child about their online behavior.

If you are going to host a gathering of your child's friends from school, think about how you can teach them to be inclusive. For years, I have given this same advice: if it's just a handful of students, that's fine, especially if you encourage your child not to talk too much about it. If you're inviting over half of the class (or over half of the girls or boys in the class), consider doing something with all of that group.

Being inclusive parents shows students how to have heart and not make others feel badly when they are not a part of something – which happens a lot in middle school. This sense of belonging is crucial for middle school students, and we need to push back against divisive behavior when we see it. We can forgive them for behaving in these ways, but it's our job to demand better. It's our job to remind them of heart.

As Lisa Damour points out in Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls, stress and anxiety can help our students to thrive in school, especially when they learn how to deal with them in healthy ways. "The stress of operating beyond our comfort zones helps us grow," Damour points out, and there is certainly a great deal of growth that occurs in middle school. Teaching your child how to have heart when facing adversity or when dealing with challenging friendships reduces stress and is critical to their overall development and growth.

Our middle schoolers differ from each other in so many ways; they even differ from themselves from one day to the next, going from happy to grumpy to bashful in the blink of an eye. Their days can be like a rollercoaster with just as many ups as downs. There will be times when your child comes home with stories and experiences where either they or their peers did something that caused stress or that they regret.

When you encourage your child to solve problems by talking about their feelings, you help them build their capacity for empathy. Model empathy at home by responding calmly to the challenging situations they bring home. Encouraging your child to think about how others might feel helps our entire community grow and have more heart.

Having these conversations with your children about kindness, integrity, resilience, and empathy takes time, and it works best when it is modeled for them by you – no pressure there! As we work to build a culture of belonging, we need to do this work together.

 

As middle school children prepare for the challenges they will encounter in high school and the rest of their lives, leading with heart is a top priority. With a sound approach to building empathy, kindness, inclusivity and resilience at home and at school, students will be well-prepared to take on the work of life wherever they go.

Are you curious to learn more about our approach at Nichols Middle School? Contact our admissions team to schedule a visit or register for an upcoming event.